Misery

Misery is a self inflicted disease. I think. So I'm to guess that I have inflicted upon myself my misery. What ails me? What is it that I've done to myself? I, too, have been asking.

First I fell in love. Supposed to be a beautiful feeling, puts you on top of the world and makes the skies blue and the sun yellow. At least that is what I've been told. Nobody told me about the ache in the heart, the trepidation when you've not heard, the, sometimes, bad decisions you may make, or even the feeling of inadequacy when you are sure you should have done something you couldn't.

What about that time you wake up in the morn get on with your job and finally realise that you've just spent the whole day not communicating. Who knows about those days you want to talk yet you are not sure you should intrude. Where does your space end, and where does hers begin? When can you intrude and when can you not? Who has the answers to these questions anyway...

Second, because I was in love, I did something that might have been good for others, or might have not, and yet it hurts. So does that make it good because I had good intentions, or bad because it hurts? Is this something that can be answered or is it just endured?

Third I have too many questions. Self analysis is a nice thing, where it gives answers, however can be a very frustrating thing where it raises questions. And questions I have raised in plenty. Am I a good person? Is she? Am I on the right track? Is she? Thinking further what right do I have to ask these questions? when did I give myself the right to decide for others what might be good for them? Yet it is that very quality which makes me what I am. The ability to let somebody be themselves, and yet accommodate them in my life. Not a very manly quality I've been told.

Yes I'm miserable. and only I could have brought it upon myself...

Love and Musings

Yesterday was probably one of my most interesting days. Coincidence, I think, but interesting certainly. At least in matters of the heart. It's a long story, but I'll keep it short.

I've been booted by the girl I love, and the girl who loves me I've booted. All in the same evening. Interesting. Let me tell you the story.

I'm slow in matters of the heart. Mainly because I stayed alone for so long I began to feel comfortable with myself. However for quite a number of years somebody has been in love with me, and at one time I was completely in love with her. This changed drastically when I met somebody else who was so much what I really wanted. And perhaps a bit too much like me. It took me time and a small break from the old relationship to realise that I've fallen. Yesterday I decided to make the break permanent. Before I could do that the person I'm thinking of being with boots me. That should have made me pause about the other relationship, right? Wrong. I still went ahead and made a permanent break with the other relationship. Stupid of me, yes I agree. I still think it was right though.

You must understand, I'm honest with myself, if not with others. I cannot live and tell myself a lie. Again the other girl is in love. She loves me. And she really is a very nice girl, quite unlike the bad me. Faithful, honest, loving and steadfast. Everything a man would want for a wife. I wouldn't be honest with myself if I continued a relationship based on the fact that she loves me. It wouldn't really be fair to her.

So here am I at a crossroad. Somebody who loves me and wants me back, and somebody I love who doesn't want me back. Looks like I am human after all...

Truthfully

I'm sunk. Really sunk. You know how in relationships you are advised to tell the truth always? That is a lie.

Recently I was talking to some friends of mine you were under the impression that they are high on my priority list. I, unfortunately, do not really know how to tell a lie when asked a direct personal question. So when I asked if they are on my priority risk I answered in the negative.

The dilemma is, I like these people. They are fun to be with and I really wouldn't like to lose their friendship, however I have told them something which will hurt them greatly. Though they did ask.

Moral?

Do not ask a question whose answer you may not want to know. Or maybe do not ever answer personal questions truthfully. You choose.