The beginning.

In the beginning it was just a feeling, an itch, a hunch, a buzz at the back of my mind. I would wake at night and gaze at nothing, think nothing and the nothing would think back at me. Yet it bugged me, it bothered me that I can feel what I do not feel. It was nurtured through the days by the nothingness that I’d feel. It was fertilised through the night by the emptiness by my side. This something that was nothing yet was greater than the sum of somethings that I had.

I battled with myself, speaking to the ghosts in my mind. I tried to run, yet it was me that I was running from. I tried to hide, but how do I hide from myself? There was no solace in my mind for I knew what it was I was trying to hide.

In the beginning it was a fear. Of rejection. Of change. Of hurt. Of pain. Knowing that all those could happen. Knowing that all this is happening, and I was as helpless as a twig upon the ocean current. The traitor was within me, and the saviour, too, was within me. How could joy bring so much pain, acceptance bring rejection? And yet it is just but the beginning.

I told myself all this will pass, but I knew I didn’t want it to. I told myself it is a illusion, though I knew if it was an illusion then reality is not for me. I told myself I’m strong, and felt that strength lead me yet again astray. This is was is and this is what still will be.

In the beginning it was an ache, a gap, a need, an emptiness to be filled. Yet these had existed side by side without demands and now are demanding surcease from the torment. A torment they had never had. A torment that came from knowing it is possible to finally fill the gap. I gap I didn’t even know I had. I gap I’m sure I didn’t want to have.

And yet in this was my fulfillment, in this lies my content, with this I can want to live…