My cousin Obama

The whole world has been following the Obama story, and here in Kenya we have been following very keenly the developments and victory. After all Obama is a son of K'Ogelo. That village where he comes from, you know. As is common with us, we have adopted Obama, renamed streets, schools, villages, churches and even babies after our great son. Grown up men have changed their surnames and even those of us who couldn't are busy trying to see by which route Obama and family could be related to us. His Jaluo speaking grandmother has suddenly become an ambassador and now has an office, an interpreter, a spokesman, a family spokesperson and a whole new staff corps to look after her newly created status.

However we in Kenya are still completely puzzled by the American electoral system. After all we are a democratic country and we know Democracy. We know how it is done and the Americans seem to have their system all wrong and undemocratic. There is this issue of the Electoral College. We think it is akin to the Kivuitu's (Electoral Commission of Kenya chairman) of this country. But strangely they also vote. We know the Kivuitu's are supposed to arrange the elections so that the 'right' winner wins. They are supposed to read the electorate (read rig) so that the people’s choice wins. But these Americans actually let their Kivuitus vote, and more than a month after the rest have voted! So how do they read the electorate in the correct persons favour?

Then there is the campaign. None of the candidates promised anything sensible. If they had done the right thing (Kenyan style) Obama should have promised a multi-lane highway all the way from Washington DC to California. He should have promised that he will remove development away from Texas to California since the incumbent must certainly have been developing only Texas. He should have promised all government jobs would go to Californians and all government projects will go only to sons of California. He should have promised that even the dustbins in California will have electricity installed for the homeless and the council of California will stop harassing small business persons (read hawkers) so that they can lay their wares right in the doorways of the giant supermarkets that are taking away jobs from their neighbourhood.

The funding of the campaign was even more amazing. Politicians are supposed to be rich people otherwise they wouldn't be running for office. We watched with amazement as people contributed their five and ten dollars to fund the campaign kitty. How can that happen? Obama is running for the highest office in the land, he is supposed to fund the potential voters. We expected him to be liberally throwing money around to ensure voters will vote for him. We expect him to send representatives to the local bars with wads of cash to by free rounds for potential voters. We expected him to start projects just before the election in his home area to show how serious he is. We expected him to be dishing out copious amounts of cash to potential voters and promising that when he gets there more will be coming our way! How can he even accept these small amounts of money from voters!

We expect him to attend all harambees and contribute generously. We expect him to attend all funereals and promise to educate the children of the deceased. We expect him to promise that no stone will be left unturned in the search for the deceased killers. Who cares if we know he died of some incurable disease. We expect him at the same funereal not only to contribute generously but also to praise the area senator and tell us to vote for him as well since he needs him to bring development to our people.

And the actual voting? Rubbish. That was not voting. How can you have results almost as soon as the polling stations close? Where were the party agents, the missing form 16A's, the missing names from the electoral list, or even the intimidating presence of party youth to ensure you voted for the right person. Where is the agent dishing out one dollar to every person entering with dire warnings to vote for the right person? And what was this pressing on screens to vote? You are supposed to vote on paper and put in a voting box pre-filled with the correct number of votes to ensure a win! That was certainly not a real election. Where were the politicians throwing chairs at the electoral agents?

About Obama being my cousin? Certainly he is. He's my mother's sister's roommate’s ex-boyfriend's sister's mother-in-law's cousin thrice removed on her father's side by the uncle's friend's brother who was playing football with Obama's cousin's best friend’s uncle's father-in-law's cousin's ex-girlfriends who's best friend comes from K'Ogelo.